they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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