Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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