Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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