Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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