Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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