The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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