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peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
