around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
