I think im going to throw up on grandma
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i think i just lost a toe
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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