Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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