Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
