I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
