I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
