FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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