Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
