i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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