just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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