Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
