Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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