this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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