I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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