i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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