im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
