Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize