he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
