Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
