I wish I could teleport
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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