the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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