Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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