There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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