my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
