Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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