In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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