toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There's always time for handjobs
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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