I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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