I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Is that strawberry winking at me??
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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