So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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