So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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