just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
