Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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