listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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