Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
