When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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