thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
