I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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