So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
