thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
