she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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