So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
