I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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