SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
