so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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