Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My dick has a subreddit
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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