I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
