i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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