Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
