Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
time to smoke my breakfast
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
