I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
