just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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