Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
