i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Randomize
