I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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