first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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