I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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