yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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