last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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